Things a naked man doesn’t want to hear

There are certain situations where you have to muster all the acting skills and restraint you’ve practiced your entire life in order to not crush a man. That means biting your tongue before any of these phrases slip out.

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.

3. Why don’t we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Will it get excited.

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It’s okay, we’ll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no… I just got a flash headache.

11. (Giggling and pointing)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won’t take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

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