A man dies and goes to hell. He is sitting around on a piece of brimstone depressed. The devil walks by and asks him what is wrong.
The man says, “What do you mean what is wrong? I’m dead! I’m in hell! I’m depressed, ok?”
The devil says, “Look we get a lot of bad press down here, things aren’t as bad as they appear. Let me ask you, do you like to eat?”
The man says, “Sure, everyone likes to eat.”
The devil says, “You are going to love Monday’s! Best gourmet food, fast food, anything you want! Eat as much as you want! What’s going to happen? Heart attack? You’re dead already.”
The man says, “Well, that’s not so bad.”
Then the devil asks him, “Do you like to drink? The mans replies, “well, sure.”
The devil says, “You’re going to love Tuesday! Best wine, scotch whiskey, bourbon, anything you want! Drink until you pass out, sober up and drink again. What’s going to happen? Psoriasis of the liver? Your dead, you’re here man!”
Then the devil asks the man, “Do you like to gamble?” the man says, “Well yea, sometimes. “
The devil says, “Wednesdays! You are really going to enjoy Wednesdays! Blackjack, poker, slot machines, anything you want! Bet a million on the horses; lose a million, who cares! You ain’t going bankrupt, you dead! You’re in hell!”
The man is getting pretty excited by now and says, “Man, this is sounding pretty good!”
The devil than ask, “Do you like to do drugs?” The man looks a bit sheepish and says, “Well, sometimes”. The devil says, “Man, Thursdays are your days! Snort cocaine, shoot up heroine, and smoke a joint the size of a submarine, whatever you want! What’s going to happen? You going to overdose and die? You are here already!”
The man is jumping up and down with excitement; “this is like Las Vegas on steroids!” he says!
The devil said, “Yep, told you, we get a lot of bad press down here”.
The devil then asks, “Um, are you gay?”
The man says, “Well, no, I’m not”.
The devil says, “Oh man, you may hate Fridays”.
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and maybe determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor.
“So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size
because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be
kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her
on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was
from him: ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’
‘The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she
had had the same procedure done some time ago.’
‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked.
‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.’
What gets longer when pulled,
fits between your boobs,
inserts neatly in a hole
AND works best when it is jerked?