Euphemisims for masturbation

Yesterday we posted a list of Literary Euphemisms for Masturbation.  Today we’re opening it up to any masturbation euphemisms –  male or female.

    A date with Palmela Handerson
    Acting out the grapes of wrath
    Backing your fist
    Bang yourself
    Beat the beaver
    Beating my meat
    Beating the bishop
    Bop the bologna
    Choking the chicken
    Clap your clit
    Clean the bean
    Clicking the mouse
    Dating Hannie Palmer
    Diddle my skittle
    Donald trump firing his apprentice
    Double clicking the mouse
    Fiction friction
    Fire off some knuckle-children
    Five finger shuffle
    Flickin’ the kitten
    Flicking the bean
    Flog the dolphin
    Fucking yourself
    Getting trigger happy
    Going fishing with the man in the boat
    Going to the palm prom
    Greasin’ the gash
    Hand to gland combat
    Having a knee trembler
    Hit the slit
    Hitchhike To The Sky
    Holding your sausage hostage
    Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig
    Jacking off
    Jerkin the gerkin
    Jerking off
    Jibber jab
    Jilling off
    Let the beaver swim
    Lubing the tube
    Making it snow
    Making my girl happy
    Making stomach pancakes
    Milking the cow
    One handed baseball
    Painting the ceiling
    Pet the poodle
    Petting the kitty
    Playing air guitar naked
    Playing pocket pool
    Playing tug of war with the cyclops
    Pole dancing
    Polishing the pearl
    Pumping the keg
    Revving the engine
    Roughing up the suspect
    Rub the nub
    Rubbing one out
    Rubbing Rob Reiner
    Ruin your eyesight
    Scrach and sniff
    Scraping off the scabs
    Scratch n’ sniff
    Shake and steak
    Shuffle your Ipod
    Slam the clam
    Slapping the salami
    Slicking Willie
    Spanking the monkey
    Spinnin’ a record
    Squishing the squidgie
    Stroking it
    Stroking the one-eyed snake
    Taking care of my business
    Tapping the wookie on the head
    Thinking of your mom
    Tick the taco
    Tickle your pickle
    Turning Japanese
    Two-finger tango
    Visit from the five-fingered aunty
    Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters
    Walking the dog
    Wax on, whack off
    Whippin off a batch
    Wrestling the one eyed monster


A-B-C’s of sex

A is for Anal, in the back door;
B is for Bottom, fucked red-raw.
C is for Cunt, tight and new;
D is for Dick, ready to screw.
E is for Enter, front or behind;
F is for Fuck, a nice long grind.
G is for Grope, a stolen feel;
H is for Horn, that’ll make her squeal.
I is for In, right up to the top;
J is for Jism, dripping with slop.
K is for Kiss, a man or a miss;
L is for Labia, I’m longing to kiss.
M is for Minge, what an ace place;
N is for Nuts, to slap in her face.
O is for Oral, make her mouth full;
P is for Penis, and for a Pull.
Q is for Quim, push it right in;
R is for Roger, and even a Rim.
S is for Shit, and also for Stool;
T is for Titties, a Toss or a Tool.
U is for Udders, full and round;
V is for Virgin, never to be found.
W is for Willy, longing to be sated;
X is for X-rated, let’s get mated.
Y is for Yelp, when you spank;
Z is for Zoo, where the monkeys are frank and show you six ways of having a wank.


When the “F” word has been acceptable

There were eleven times in history when the “F” word was definitely considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

 11. “What the f**k do you mean, We’re sinking?”

       Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10 . “What the f**k was that?”

       Mayor Of  Hiroshima , 1945

9. “Where did all those f**king Indians come from?”

       General Custer, 1877

8. “Any f**king idiot could understand that.”

       Albert Einstein, 1938

 7. “F**k you, it does so look like her!”

       Picasso, 1926

6. “How the f**k did you work that out?”

       Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?”

       Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the f**k are we?”

       Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered f**king showers, my ass!”

       Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the f**k is going to find out?”

       Monica Lewinsky, 1998

1. “I didn’t think they’d get this f**king mad.”

       Osama Bin Laden, 2011

Thanks Gene