Texts from last sex

From TextsFromLastNight, the people who brought you…

  • I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
  • Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
  • It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn’t fly\
  • I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
  • Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
  • Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Comes TextsFromLastSex …

  • he’s werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
  • I set my iPhone on vibe, put it in a condom, inserted it in me and had my boyfriend call me… Oooooooo… So much better than just a vibrator, feels like my man is there
  • I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
  • You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
  • Don’t make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
  • And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
  • That guy’s d**k was so bent that it hurt me every time he went in. Can they have d**k straighteners just like hair straighteners?
  • his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
  • last night I finally had sex with my crush. Too bad I was so drunk I pissed the bed.
  • She said “I got a headache”. I went to my bar and found a healthy head
  • I also think that it would be awesome if guys had their d***s standardized like clothes in a store: S, M, L and XL. Would also help if they had size tags so you know whether you wanna spend time dating the guy
  • Somebody once told me that if you ask girls on the street if they want to suck your d**k, about 1 out of 10 will say yes. It took me 23 before one said yes. Go figure, that kinda stats works for me
  • What a great weekend! Friday night – one girl, Saturday night – another girl, Sunday – well, just myself 🙂

Thanks Mark

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Afternoon sex

The only way for The Andersons to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quickie’ with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

  • ‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he shouted.

  • ‘An ambulance just drove by!’

  • ‘Looks like the Jones’ have company,’ he called out.

  • ‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

  • ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

  • ‘Jason is on his skate board!’

After a few moments he announced….

The Coopers are screwing!!

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know they’re screwing?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.’

via

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