Texts from last sex

From TextsFromLastNight, the people who brought you…

  • I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
  • Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
  • It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn’t fly\
  • I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
  • Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
  • Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Comes TextsFromLastSex …

  • he’s werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
  • I set my iPhone on vibe, put it in a condom, inserted it in me and had my boyfriend call me… Oooooooo… So much better than just a vibrator, feels like my man is there
  • I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
  • You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
  • Don’t make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
  • And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
  • That guy’s d**k was so bent that it hurt me every time he went in. Can they have d**k straighteners just like hair straighteners?
  • his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
  • last night I finally had sex with my crush. Too bad I was so drunk I pissed the bed.
  • She said “I got a headache”. I went to my bar and found a healthy head
  • I also think that it would be awesome if guys had their d***s standardized like clothes in a store: S, M, L and XL. Would also help if they had size tags so you know whether you wanna spend time dating the guy
  • Somebody once told me that if you ask girls on the street if they want to suck your d**k, about 1 out of 10 will say yes. It took me 23 before one said yes. Go figure, that kinda stats works for me
  • What a great weekend! Friday night – one girl, Saturday night – another girl, Sunday – well, just myself 🙂

Thanks Mark