Today, I learned that I’m a scientist

BreastmountainsScientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force “breast gravity.” It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men’s eyes down to women’s breasts.

“The idea came to me out of the blue,” says team leader Frank Leerer. “I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. ‘Check out the globes on her!’ he said. That’s when the idea hit me like a brick house.”

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the “boobon.”

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men’s eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women’s? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.