Grandpa

A  man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather  sitting on the porch, in the rocking  chair, wearing only a shirt,  with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa,  what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to  see!” he exclaimed.

The  old man looked off in the distance without  answering.  “Grandpa,  what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the  waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and  said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I  got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s  idea.”


Thanks Gene

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What’ll it do?

A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is “What’ll it do?”

The answer is usually something like “zero to 60 in


5.3 seconds,” or something along those lines.

 Well, here’s what the brand new 2011 “458 Italia” Ferrari will do…. 

But first, here’s what it looks like:

Ferarri2

And this is what it can do….

Drop panties

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The face lift

A woman  decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

‘About    32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man  waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady,  I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man  says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’,  she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.

Thanks Gene

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